You call him Mr. Chuck Norris!

For those of you who don’t know who he is and why all men pay reverent homage to this legend, let me explain. 

Chuck Norris eats rocks and shits lightning bolts. Did you know that one time Chuck Norris was walking around in a forest, look for hippies to use as firewood, when a wild boar suddenly crossed his path. Chuck lifted the boar into the air with his mind, gave him a spinning roundhouse kick, and digested him telekinetically. And Chuck wasn’t even hungry. True story!

Chuck Norris is a world champion in tae kwon do, jujitsu, kickboxing, karate, sumo wrestling, tae bo, pad thai, Street Fighter II and he holds a certificate of participation in the National Spelling Bee. He has no weakness, he is the ultimate fighting machine. There’s a story that one time ago, a big shot movie producer approached Chuck Norris with a screenplay starring him versus King Kong, Godzilla, Dracula, Satan, Charles Bronson, and that Russian boxer from Rocky IV. The movie was never made though because studios felt that it was too far-fetched since nobody stands a chance against Chuck Norris. Supposedly, the story goes on to say that when Chuck found out, he was so furious that the producer had to offer his daughter’s virginity to appease him. Chuck accepted the offer. Another true story!

Not much is known about Chuck Norris’s childhood. Chuck Norris has no mother, as crawling out a woman is unbecoming of a man of his stature. Chuck spontaneously came into existence on Karl Marx’s birthday. This was no coincidence since Chuck Norris is the polar opposite of communism; he is the yang to communism’s yin, and the very thought of a political theory that suggest that people should have their own means of production in a classless society makes Chuck Norris want to puke.

Chuck Norris has fought in almost every major war, including the Korean War, World War I, the American Civil War, the Peloponnesian War, the Iran-Iraq War, the War of the Worlds, and the War on Drugs.

Chuck’s favorite food is whiskey. Sometimes, when he gets bored of whiskey, he’s been known to eat bread, cheese, some tomato paste and a handful of basil, which may sound like pizza, but it’s not because Chuck Norris doesn’t want to give the Italians any credit.

For more information on Chuck Norris, check out his Wikipedia page.