Beef Jerky
If someone invented a way to package sex and put it straight
into your mouth, it would taste like beef jerky.
Did you know that in countries
where beef jerky is a staple of their daily cuisine 83% of boys, as young as 6
years old, are experiencing something called “precarious puberty” which leads
them to have full-grown beards, deeper voices and calloused hands. And all of
this manliness was traced back to a gene triggered by the manliest of foods in
the entire universe: beef jerky.
If there’s a food that’s manlier than strips of flesh ripped
from an animal’s ribs, cured, smoked, and flavored so it can be slammed down
the throats of hungry construction workers, I’d like to know what it is.
Only the highest quality ingredients go into making beef
jerky, but I can’t help but wonder: what’s the secret ingredient that gives
beef jerky its awesome flavor? The answer is obvious, its little girls. Don’t believe
me, the proofs in an old nursery rhyme: “little girls are made out of sugar and
spice and all things nice.” Since only the highest quality ingredients go into
making beef jerky, and all things that are of the highest-quality are
necessarily a subset of “all things nice,” then concordantly, ergo, vis-a-vis, it can be said that beef jerky is
made out of little girls. Boom, that’s called empirical reasoning!
Ok, so maybe there is a slightly more important ingredient
to beef jerky, which is the beef. But for a cow there is no greater calling, not
ending up as a steak at the Keg or upholstery in an overpriced car, then becoming jerky.
It’s true, go ask them.
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