Hello everybody (actually, I have no idea if anyone is reading this, so if you are reading this message then assume that I'm directing this entire message to you.)
Its Sunday and things have been going pretty good. I've worked now for 2 weeks without a fully day off and it hasn't been so bad. This past weekend was a long one with my days starting at 8am on both days and not finishing until the early evening. I did however book a lot of home-clients this weekend which means that I made some sweet cash this weekend. But as quickly as the money entered my wallet, it left it again thanks to presents and other holiday related activities. It's a good thing I'm not dating anyone right now, otherwise I'd have even less money :)
Today was also my yearly talk with my dad about how pathetic my life is and how I should settle down. Let me start off by saying that my dad is a good man and in his own awkward way, he's trying to relate with me about my personal life. It doesn't work as too much has happened with him messing around with my personal life for me to ever give him that kind of power again, but I know he means well. So, since the end of my last relationship, he's been trying to get me to meet this girl who I think is the daughter of his cousin's family friend. Something like that, all I know is that she isn't related to me by blood. Anyways, my dad comes up to me a few weeks ago and say "are you still dating that other girl?" I said no and before I could explain what happened he says "ok, here is the name/number of this hakka girl. Go and email her and see if you like her." He didn't ask me if I was ok or what happened with my previous relationship. Just here is another girl, and now go. Now, I decided a long time ago that these kind of blind setups are just bad and so I naturally rebelled against any idea of emailing her, but my curiousity got the better of me and so I wrote her a quick message. I quickly put that thought out of my mind as I still had some things on my mind. A week later, I get a message from this girl saying that we could start talking and so since I thought there would be no harm in that, I agreed. We added each other on Facebook and that was it. Today, my dad comes into my room, closes the door and says "why haven't you asked this girl out for dinner?" I said that I haven't thought about it, that I've had other things on my mind and I'm not interested in her. He then decided to have "the talk" with me and proceeded to tell me how much of a failure I was, how I have squandered my life and wasted time with a "poor career choice", how I have nothing to offer any girl and that I'm getting older. He said, "don't worry about her looks or how old she is. You don't have many choices here and if you settle down with her, she can give you things that will help in your future." He did say that he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, but when you say "you have nothing to offer any girl and you need to be more serious with your life," you can't really take that any other way then personally.
So that was our conversation about 2 hours ago and here I am, writing it down in a blog. Maybe I am a joke. Maybe he's right, I have nothing substantial to offer any girl and so I should just 'settle' with the next girl who they parade in front of me. My dad did say "if you had something to offer, then you wouldn't be single right now" and you know what, he may be right. Maybe I am just lying to myself, thinking that I have things to offer a woman, life partner, and I should just listen to what they say. Unfortunately, I have a big issue with the word "settle." That word doesn't sit right with me, and if I have to settle for her, then isn't she settling for me? Isn't that a horrible idea, a relationship based upon settling? Compromise is a form of settling, but this kind of compromise seems more nefarious to me. I read a quote today and it said that you know when you're in love when you can't sleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. I felt that once with Silvia and I was starting to feel the same thing with another girl. But both times, I was obviously wrong and I was left with even more questions about myself and my self-worth. I don't think right now I'm good enough for anyone. I have a lot of figuring out to do, things about me, things about my future. I don't think I'm in the right head space for any relationship. The recent events of my life really played with my head and I'm a ball of varying emotions. Thing is, I could talk to other people about it, but they won't understand the frame of reference. The one person who would is no longer available to speak with and so I'm left with trying to figure stuff out on my own.
The holidays are supposed to be a happy time, yet when I see pictures of my family and friends with their families and loved ones, I come to realize that spending another holidays alone is not what I want. But, life doesn't give you want, only what you can handle, and so either get cooking or get out of the kitchen. Time to move on and to fix me.
When will the holidays be a happy time for me?
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