The raw truth

Its Friday night and I've decided to once again start writing in my blog. I should be out, having fun and doing whatever it is that single guys do but I don't seem to be too excited about that idea. And why is this, well, I guess I'm still a little bummed by what has happened to me in the past week.

Without going into too much detail just yet, I met a girl, I lost said girl and I don't know why. I don't know why it ended, I don't know why I can't get over her, I don't know why I'm thinking about her all the time and I don't know why I miss her when she doesn't miss me. Ok, that's not fair, I think she misses me, but not in the same way that I miss her.

I have asked myself why we ended and yes, it was only for 2 months and I should just move on and continue on living. But her and I, we really connected. You can't fake what we shared and no matter what people tell me, I'm not quite ready to give up on her and us yet. I can see some eyes rolling right now, yes, I'm looking at you specifically.

She called me the other night, and I was totally not expecting that. I had deleted her phone number, her contact info, photos, saved voice mail messages, anything that would make me want to contact her. I felt that it wasn't fair of me to hang on to her when she obviously didn't want me to do that. So, I was hovering the mouse over the final vestige of communication which was her facebook account. If I clicked "unfriend" we would no longer be friends and I would have no way to speak to her, contact her and effectively, I'd be finally acknowledging that it was over. So, I sent her a message, basically telling her that I missed our conversations, I missed our friendship and that I hoped she was doing well. A part of me wished that she would read it, think about it and send me a response. I never expected her to call me later that night. At around 1am, I got a call and it was her. She said hello and wanted to see how I was doing. So I told her the truth which was I am doing well, I miss her and I miss our friendship. I told her that if she wanted us to remain friends, then we should at least be able to speak. But for the past week, we haven't said a single word to each other. I had sent her a few messages and got no response and so I said that if she doesn't want me to talk to her, to be in her life, that's fine and to just let me know. But I wanted her to know that I wanted our friendship back, and that means I wanted to continue talking to her. I told her that a part wishes that one day, her feelings for me may change and she would consider giving us another chance. I realize that to be a very long shot as even she said that once she makes up her mind, she doesn't change it. She ended the call shortly afterwards, having spoken to me for less then 10 minutes.

I don't know if I'll hear from her, I mean, I hope I do but I don't know when. I'm not going to pause my life and hold my breath and wish blindly that things will work out. I just don't know and maybe this is why I'm not going out or hooking up with random girls. I just don't know what I did to end something that was so amazing with someone who was a really good person. Is it me? Is it her? was it a combination of us both? All I know is that I miss her but I'm not what she wants. And that hurts and that is the truth. The raw truth.